I had exactly one hour of “me” time today and while it was like salve for the soul, it left me feeling a bit lonely and morose. It was a beautiful day, I was on my porch, enjoying the wind in the trees, the sun, some great tunes and a little knitting…but there was just too much quiet. Now I have alone time every day during L’s nap time, but I usually fill it up with laundry, housework, maybe a movie while knitting or more recently, exercise *gasp*. It’s been ages since I’ve taken the time to just SIT and BE and listen to music that doesn’t have anything in the lyrics about frogs or dragons or ladybugs or bumblebees. (Not that those things are bad…just sayin’).
I guess it just got me thinking about the “me” I used to be. Back when I was childless and had all the time I could spare to think, to create, to be in my own headspace. To think of myself before anyone else. To be selfish. So it wasn’t that being alone for a few hours was lonely, I was lonely for that girl I once was. The highschool girl, the college girl, even the newly married girl. I miss her sometimes. I miss having time to think of things beyond housework and laundry and meals and potty training and sleep schedules and to send to preschool or not to send to preschool…and all that jazz. I’ve been in Wife mode or Mama mode for a long time now. Wife mode offered me a lot more room to be just me, Mama leaves much less time for that.
Now don’t get me wrong, I would NEVER want to leave my boys… B and L make my life worth living. I love my hubby and baby more than anything in this world. It’s not even a question…I would NEVER trade the life I have now for the life I had then. It just amazed me how the grief of mourning that past life never quite goes away. It hit hard and fast today on what should have been a spectacularly peaceful afternoon. Which it was…with just a hint of sadness in it.
Apparently it’s just too dangerous to let me have too much time to think.
So on another note…this is my new favorite band. I luve them so…